New Location

I am currently sitting in front of a Macintosh computer with an extremely dodgy screen. Outside it is sunny and a pleasant 20 degrees centigrade. I am listening to Scott Mills on Radio 1 and faffing about generally trying to avoid unpacking........Can you guess where he is yet?

Shanghai (can't think of a good title)

I arrived in Shanghai this morning after an overnight train from Zhengzhou. Actually, I was a little sad to leave the dusty, god-forsaken hell hole and I was especially sorry to say goodbye to Wojciech, Xiao Fu and all the other people who have not simply wanted to practice their English with me. I had my last lesson with my summer course class on Saturday morning (I say lesson, we actually just watched Spiderman [although I made them do a dictation from one of the scenes where the number of explosions did not exceed the quantity of dialogue]) and a number of students gave me some gifts, which was very nice but as I received each present my luggage conundrum increased in difficulty.

As I said, I took the overnight train. Unfortunately the combination of all the vodka that Wojciech and I shared in the Korean restaurant in (what I imagine to be) a typical Polish farewell (....or hello, or congratulations, or consolations etc.), and the large quantity of tea I then drank made it particularly hard to sleep. But it wasn't so bad.

Shanghai is bloody hot: it may be so hot that even the mosquitoes have given up which is why I haven't been pestered by any so far. From what I have seen of the city in the hours I have been here, it is, for a Chinese city, extremely developed. However, this has not stopped them, in typical Chinese fashion attempting as much building work as possible. I don't really have any plans here apart from spend a few days wandering the city, not spending too much money and eating as much Chinese food as I can before I go.

Long Time, No Blog

As my father has reminded me on numerous occasions (his ability to nag spans continents) I have not written a blog for quite a while. There is not much to say to be honest but to satiate his (and other's) desire for knowledge here is a brief update.

I have been teaching a class of high-school students who have signed up for Wojciech's summer class. It is pretty much the same as the teaching I have done before except that my students English is at a reasonably advanced level so thinking of stuff to teach them is a little more difficult. Apart from that I have been trying enjoy my last few weeks in China. I have been to the tailors for my cashmere suit (for it's completion, I anxiously await!) and have been trying to pick up all the stuff that I either cannot buy in England or that is particularly cheap out here.

Yesterday I went walking/scrambling/climbing in Songshan, the mountainous region close to Zhengzhou. The Shaolin temple is in this area although we did not visit it. In fact my student, his family, friends and I spent about 7 hours trekking a fantastic (although, on occasion, worryingly hazardous) route round the mountains. It ranks among some of the best experiences I have had since I left England and my legs are feeling the burn today.

I am off to Shanghai on Saturday to fit in one last city before I return home, my time is coming to an end.

23 hours on a train being harrassed by a small boy

Sorry, I couldn't think of a catchy title.

I have made my triumphal return to Zhengzhou, which is as dusty and crap as when I left (something that I find strangely comforting). I have returned for a brief trip to help Wojciech, my friend and saviour, with a few of his crackpot teaching schemes. These mainly involve chatting with Chinese students and attempting to steer them away from the ever occurring questions such as; 'How can I get into Harvard?', 'How can I get into Cambridge?' and 'How can I get into MIT?' to which one can only really answer 'Be really good at stuff'.

Not much has changed since I have been away apart from the weather and the progress of construction around the city. Two days ago, fortunately before I arrived, it hit 37 degrees centigrade, which as far as I'm concerned is close to the temperature of the surface of the sun. The pace of construction is clear once you take a short break. Like a teenager's growth during puberty, seeing the buildings after one month shows incredible work. It seems that the solution for lazy inefficient builders is simply to hire hordes of them to work their lazy, inefficient shifts 24/7.

Second course

On a long train journey back to Zhengzhou

Typhoons and Sunburn

I arrived in Hong Kong on the 23rd and I already I love the place. It does help that I have yet again been put up by a mate (Seb, a friend of a friend) and he has been showing me the ropes.

On the first day he took me with him on a boat trip on one of his friends' junk. This is were I obtained the rather impressive sunburn mentioned in the title (fortunately/unfortunately the weather since has been a bit poo, see the typhoon mentioned in the title). From the boat I got a little look at the way the city is distributed over the islands which I think is actually quite interesting. I also met a girl, also visiting a friend, who lives in Welwyn Garden City opposite Matt Ferdenzi (a friend of mine from school) and used to run for Herts Phoenix Athletic Club.

That night they hoisted a Typhoon 8 warning that materialised in the form of a heavy storm (in fact the edge of the one that ravaged the Philippines) that raged throughout the night. The next day most things were shut but Seb and I made a trip to his football club to have a look around.

Hong Kong Football Club is quite simply, amazing. It is basically a massive social club that also has sports teams (football, rugby, hockey, tennis etc). The facilities are incredible: a beautiful artificial surface pitch, gym, swimming pool, two restaurants, bar, tennis courts on the roof and much more. Added to this it is in an awesome setting (we played a game of six-a-side surrounded on all sides by skyscrapers and wooded hills). Seb has told me that he spends most of his time in Hong Kong at the club and I wouldn't blame him.

The rest of the city is also fantastic, it is truly a world city. There is so much to do, awesome bars, restaurants etc. as well as a very cool internet café where eight of us wiled away a few hours playing Call of Duty 4. I have only been on one night out so far, although they are a few in the pipeline for the future. The cool thing about Hong Kong bars and clubs are the open bars where you pay about 13 pounds for unlimited drinks. Do not worry mother, I have shown restraint.

Back in Hongkers

Left Australia on Monday and trying to sort out a Chinese visa

Like England with Parrots

I have almost reached the end of my stay in Australia, so I feel I ought to do a little summing up piece about the land of our convict cousins.

Firstly, the weather has not been all that I expected from Oz. The name 'Bullaburra' (the village in which I am staying with my cousins) means 'Blue Skies Village'. For the three weeks I have been here it could not have been more of a misnomer. Not only has the weather been bad but I arrived in New South Wales a few days after the driest May in recent history. Bah! However there are definitely positive points to Australia. I have really appreciated the abundance of exotic flora and fauna. It's difficult to imagine how strange it was for an Englishman who has spent three months in the land of brown birds and rats (Henan province) to see bright green and red parrots (Rosellas) in the garden. Then there are the marsupials which when you think about it, are just weird. They have pockets for Christ's sake!

Unfortunately the weather has somewhat hampered my ability to appreciate the Blue Mountains. For anyone who doesn't know what or where the Blue Mountains are, they are heavily gum-forested hills west of Sydney. The first crossing, to the plains inland was made in 1831 (I think) and before that many of the convicts believed that if they could cross the mountains they would reach China and freedom. Anyway, the scenery is awesome and the potential for adventure sport in the area is huge and therefore the main source of income is the tourist industry. Despite the weather I have managed to fit in a night camping, a day canyoning and plenty of walks. Tomorrow is (nearby town) Katoomba's Winter Magic Festival (http://www.wintermagic.com.au/) which promises to be a good laugh. I have been promised a heady mix of beer and hippies which can only result in fun.

My future abroad remains uncertain; the already unnecessarily stringent Chinese visa regulations have been made stricter for the Olympics so I am not sure whether I will be able to return as planned. I will fly to Hong Kong on Monday and will see what can be achieved there. But, as I am constantly reminding myself, it could be a lot worse. I have had an awesome time, with very few real troubles and I still have plenty of time before I really have to get my head down at university. Life is good (naa naa na naa naa!)

Learning Strine

Sorry, I have been in Australia for a while now but the prospect of curling up with one of the two cats in front of the fire and eating Bangers 'n' Mash was far to tempting for me to even think about blog posts.

Anywho, I have been in Oz for a week now, and I am thoroughly enjoying it. The weather has been (excuse my Strine) shite, but it hasn't stopped me from spending a day canyoning in the Blue Mountains (where I am staying with my cousins) and making a flying visit to Sydney. I don't really care about the weather anyway as I am bathing in the delights of western culture. These treats range from Fish and Chips to TV programmes about super morbidly obese people in the US. I am also enjoying the quirks of the Australian vernacular. For example, were you aware that they pronounce 'Pantene Pro-V', Panteeen Pro-V. And, in regards to TV series, they do not say the series Finale but Final, weird ey? Ey/hey is another interesting linguistic tool which serves the same purpose as 'ba' in Chinese: basically it makes a statement a suggestion of a fact.

My journey down from Beijing was fantastically without hitches. The domestic flight to Shenzhen went ahead no problem and fortunately I only began conversing with the born-again Chinese lady sitting next to me just as we landed. I took the bus to Hong Kong, which involved some amusingly overly stringent border controls, and arrived at the airport with about five hours to spare before my flight. The airport was a bit of a mental place. Unsurprisingly it was a heady mix of western and oriental culture but I was truly prepared for how bizarre that would seem to me. It is difficult to explain but coming from a place where the ethnic groups are very definitely associated with a certain level of wealth (by this I mean that 95% of the Chinese people I had met had been relatively poor and for the westerners, the opposite was true) seeing this massive mix of cultures all strutting about (and buying in the duty free) in their big brands was very odd. Anyway, my flight from Hong Kong was hardly delayed by the heavy rainstorm that struck half an hour before scheduled take off, and what ensued was brilliant nine hour flight containing two very good meals and three good films.

I had better finish now as we are about to go out for a walk to make the most of this gap in the weather.

... and a little bit hectic in australia too

Now I'm in Bullaburra, New South Wales, staying with my aunt and her family.

Damn, She Found Me!

I'm in Beijing, and so is my Mum. I arrived from Zhengzhou on Monday with Tom and she came on Wednesday. Tom and I thought we would spend a little time here before he returned to Blighty and Mum thought it would be a good idea to try and embarrass me on a more global scale. We took the express train from Zhengzhou, which was pretty cool. It was all very civilized; fast, quite, cool and comfortable. The old man who repeatedly let his granddaughter piss in between the rows of seats spoiled it a little, but for a Chinese train journey it was remarkably painless. We have been staying at the hostel which Tom stayed at when he was here for Spring Festival. It's basically like a hotel but with more young travellers drinking beer so it is an awesome change from hanging around with middle aged Chinese guys drinking Baijiu. So far I have been out with four Icelanders, two Germans and three Americans.

Mum and I have been to say most of the sights in the city and we are going to the Great Wall at Mutianyu tomorrow. It's all pretty similar to the other places of interest I have visited in China but on a larger scale. The Summer Palace was very impressive, especially the fifty metre man- made hill complete with temple. Also we walked around the National Theatre (the big shiny egg) which was very cool. It is surrounded by an expansive moat with an infinity edge on the inside which creates a very interesting image. Unfortunately they are trying to refurbish everything in the city (I imagine for the Olympics) so everything is at it's most shiny and fake looking. You have to make quite an effort to go and find some authentic Hutongs. The vendors are as one would expect, particularly aggressive. One basically gave Mum a Chinese burn when we were trying to walk away from a negotiation for a silk scarf.

I am leaving for Oz on Tuesday which I looking forward to immensely for two main reasons. The first is that I will be able to meet Aunty Helen and all my family that I have either never seen or only seen once. Secondly, the weather. I am told that the skies are incredibly blue and that it is pretty cool, so it will be a nice change from stuffy China. I am a little worried about what Mum is going to do once I've gone, but the hostel have very helpful staff with excellent English so she should be fine.

Anyway, must go and find a tea house that is not a massive rip off. It may be a little difficult.

Outward Bound

Later this morning, Tom and I will take the train from Zhengzhou to Beijing. For him it could be for the last time (although there has been much talk of returning to learn more Chinese etc.) and for me it will be the last time until July. Tom has been walking on air for about a week now and some how his excitement at going home has been infectious. I don't mean by this that I am also keen to leave now, it's just that the idea of him going back after his less than brilliant experience, seeing all his friends and family and getting to experience all of those things (mainly food) that we have talked of fondly in Buses, Trains and Bars makes me happy. I am clearly just a very empathetic person.

Anyway, it has been a while since my last post. I will not make the excuse that I have not had time, because I have had ample, but I will say that any spare time I have had has mainly been filled with looking at the best form of transport to continue my travels. I am now all sorted. I have my Australian visa (instantly received after sending them a small fee and filling out a form online, God Bless our special relationship!) and all of the tickets I need. I am not actually flying from Beijing to Sydney, but from Hong Kong. This is mainly because I have a friend there who I am keen to meet up with on my return and also because it's a little cheaper. I will fly to Shenzhen from Beijing on the day and get the bus/ferry to Hong Kong airport (about 15 miles away from Shenzhen airport). I am extremely relieved that everything is now sorted, as I have inherited a little of Mother's ability to fret.

My last week has been very cool. I basically bribed my Korean students to make sure that their lasting memory of me is a good one. I bought all 15 of them some Korean drinks from a foreign goods supermarket in the city and also bought my class a bag of Jelly Belly's which we spent an hour eating and guessing the flavours. In return they gave me a few little Korean snacks which they repeatedly told me were to share with my Mum when I was in Beijing. However my appetite being what it is, they did not make it past lunchtime. To each of my Chinese teachers, I gave two books, 'Three Men in a Boat' and 'To Kill a Mocking Bird', which may seem a little stingy but they were delighted. After my last class I took my Korean class mate, my teachers and my Korean headteacher out for Dinner at an all-you-can-eat restaurant (you can see why my belly is fighting a losing battle against flab).

On Saturday, I was persuaded by my boss to go out of the city in the morning to 'give a child an award'. In fact I was being sent to be the English speaking-cohost of an English speaking pageant in a small city about an hour away. It was all very bizarre, children from the ages of 6 giving memorised 2 minute speeches with clearly no understanding of what they were saying. They had rehearsed body language to appear more western but the repeated air punching grew tiresome. The children also performed a talent, either a speech in Chinese, a song in either Chinese or English or a dance. The small girls wearing too little and doing Tango or Bhangra was a little disturbing and reminiscent of American beauty pageants. It was an interesting end to my stint teaching.

I have forgotten to mention that the night before Tom, Wojciech and I had gone to a Xinjiang (the Western most province) restaurant in the city. My European compatriots were both a little worse for wear but I was saving myself for the early morning the next day. We ended up talking to some of the waiters, all from Xinjiang. I say some of the waiters, only two could speak Mandarin. They are completely un-Chinese in appearance, religion, language and feelings of national pride. They look like people from the 'Stans', they are Islamic, they speak Uyghur (a Turkic language) and therefore write in the Persian/Arabic style and feel that they are not really Chinese. It was all very interesting, and now I can say hello in Uyghur; Yachximensez.

Back to chronological harmony. Last night, for Tom's last meal in Zhengzhou we went for some Huoguo (hot pot) which was surprisingly good (unlike Tom, I'm not a massive fan of this kind of cuisine). After we went to sing some Karaoke which was a good laugh, especially after a few bottles of Tiger beer. I have just said good bye to Wojciech for the last time for a month and after taking Xiao Fu out for a walk I will go to the train station. Beijing, here we come!

Seismic Experiences

So the Earthquake. I would like to say that I survived a near death experience but in fact I mistook the entire thing for a bout of light headedness. It was only when my Chinese teacher stopped teaching and lent against the classroom wall that I realised that the movement was not in my mind. I persuaded my teacher to carry on with the lesson, which in retrospect was a little unfair as most of the businesses and buildings closed for the afternoon as people refused to re-enter buildings. Later that night (the earthquake struck at about 2:30 Chinese time) Wojciech and I discovered the extent of the destruction while on the BBC news website. We were not surprised and both of us made the comment that it is lucky that it occured during the day and also that the epicentre was not right under Chengdu or another large city. Had it struck at night the death toll would have been far greater.

On a lighter note, I had a rather enjoyable weekend (or should I say Saturday as fatigue effectively destroyed my Sunday). Firstly I went to a wedding party on Saturday lunchtime. To be honest this was not particularly different from any other large meal in a large restaurant except that there was clearly a reason behind it. That and the fact that Wojciech and I were charged with guarding a handbag containing about 150,000 RMB (11 grand) worth of wedding gifts. The best thing was the food, that was surprisingly good for an expensive Chinese restaurant. Top of the list of dishes were some massive pork meatballs in a 'Hoisinesque' sauce. After a brief recovery, Tom (who met me at our apartment) and I went to watch Henan Construction FC at the large stadium on the outskirts of the city. The quality of the football was poor, but the atmosphere was good and Tom and I looked great in our recently purchased home strips (if I say so myself). After the football match we returned for some more food and beer in our favourite restaurant over the road.

Stop, Break, Box

Over the past few days I have had a number of Chinese sporting experiences as both a participant and as a spectator. Therefore this post will be focused mainly on physical activity in China.

First on the list was our little trip to Longhu (Lake Long) just outside of Zhengzhou. This was an attempt to take advantage of everyone's free time and the ridiculously hot weather over the May holiday. We also decided to have an impromptu BBQ using suitably improvised implements, principally a metal box and some skewers. After much lighting, blowing, and relighting we produced some foodstuffs passable as kebabs. Anyway, the sporting relevance. We took the opportunity of the close proximity of a large body of water to go for a swim. I have no doubt that the water quality was less than good, but the desire to get out of the heat far outweighed the fear of water-borne disease.

A few days later Wojciech and I went to a table tennis club to meet the friend of a friend who is the head coach. It was cool to finally see come proficient players of the national sport. Actually proficient is a bit of an understatement as the ferocity and skill with which the members (both male and female from teenagers to pensioners) played the game was rather intimidating. After a brief coaching session I was soundly beaten by a boy who could not have been older than seven and was then thrashed by an old women. It is hard not to feel a little rubbish after that but I am sure I am a far better rugby player than both of them.

The last of my trio of sporting experiences was perhaps the most interesting. Tom, my English friend, has been at some point a keen amateur boxer, and is often lamenting that he has not been in the ring for years. Fortunately Wojciech managed to find out, through his sister's boyfriend (who works for the Henan Sports Ministry), that there was a four day boxing tournament taking place at Number 11 Middle School. With this knowledge in hand Tom and I set out yesterday afternoon for a little peek. We watched about twenty bouts of fighters from 54 to 91kg. I was very impressed, and I am reliably informed by my local boxing expert...Tom, that the quality of some the fighters was pretty high. The whole thing took place in an incredibly well equipped sports hall to an almost silent crowd, which was odd.

Anywho, despite this recent spate of sport. My physical fitness is fighting a losing battle against grease, beer and mono-sodium glutamate.

It's so damn hot! Milk was a bad choice.

Today is Labour Day/May 1st Holiday, so I have no more classes (both teaching and learning) this week. It is also bloody warm here: the last few days have been in the low thirties. Of course some of the Chinese still refuse to remove full length underwear (maybe this is an attempt to induce impotence and control the massive population growth) and many of them are still wearing woolen tops. I, on the other hand, am struggling in shorts and t-shirt. Today I went into the city with Tom for a little stroll into the city and on more than one occasion we ventured into shops simply to bathe in the air-conditioned coolness. What really worries me is that it is only the beginning of May, and it can only get hotter.

Last weekend, Tom and I went to Kaifeng for the afternoon. The city is about 40 minutes east of the city by train and along with Luoyang and Zhengzhou, is one of China's ancient capitals (I think you may already know this). The main purpose for our visit was to sample the delights of the night market. This bustling collection of stalls opens after sundown and is the place to buy xiaocai (snacks). The mix of heavy smells and the loud discussions in Chinese (some cordial, some confrontational) undoubtedly add to the dining experience. As with the purchase of food anywhere in China, things are often not as they seem. This is especially true for the 'meat on sticks' family of foodstuffs, Tom's major gastronomic vice. We ordered what we thought was a large piece of fish on a skewer but in fact turned out to be another form of chewy organic matter. I would be lying if I said that I was certain that is originated from an animal. Of course with anything purchased from a street vendor, the risk to your bowels is increased ten fold, however on this occasion, the mild discomfort for the next few days was worth it.

Last night we were taken to 'Club Jaguar' by some Chinese English teachers. This was yet another bizarre experience. The place was, as one can expect, massively overstaffed and eclectically decorated. We were all given I Heart China t-shirts on entry, which for no apparent reason some but not all of the clubbers were required to wear. Unfortunately, neither Tom nor I had our cameras so the many bizarre sights were consigned only to our memories rather than to a micro-chip. The first thing that was photo-worthy was the sign warning punters against fighting, it read:

'Forbid to fight, bustup. Disobey pure appear outside"

Magnificent. The next moment of interest was when four people dressed as the Olympic mascots entered the room, small Chinese flags and flares were handed out and the band struck up a patriotic pop punk number while two scantily dressed girls waved larger Chinese flags on stage. At this point Tom got very angry with me for saying to him earlier, that it would probably not be worth taking cameras out that night. After the worship of the motherland was over there was a small dance on a podium (on this occasion I chose the 'Robot' from my veritable arsenal of 3 dance moves) and a chat with Michael, the Belgian fellow, who happened to arrive later on. We helped Wojciech, who was rather worse for wear, into a taxi and went home at about one.

As we are on holiday, Tom, Wojciech and I are planning to do a few little jaunts about the county. Hopefully we will climb Songshan, although the current temperature is not conducive to physical exertion, and maybe even go for a swim somewhere.

Pedal Power

As I have finally purchased a bicycle (she's a beaut') I felt it would be a appropriate to compose a post on the subject of two-wheeled modes of transport. This will be extremely uninteresting for most of my readership, however both my father and uncle will take great pleasure from the fact I am still obsessed with anything with pedals, cranks and a chain.

The most common variety of bike about Zhengzhou is in fact a kind of electric bike, kind of like a moped but with a battery instead of a petrol tank. These are extremely popular as they are cheap and also allow the rider to make a journey with relatively little effort. However, I feel they are a menace. Firstly because the rear drum brakes are extremely poorly made and subsequently poorly maintained and therefore constantly squeal at pitch that is unbelievably painful for my relatively young ears. Secondly the extra weight of the battery and motor makes the all too common collisions (thankfully, none so far involving me, touch wood) more violent. These collisions mainly occur when a slow rider pulls in front of a faster rider without a glance over the shoulder, something I do automatically. In fact this is the main cause of all the traffic incidents I have witnessed in China. The other danger presented by fellow cyclists is their choice of the 'blinkers on, brake at the last minute' riding style as opposed to the 'constantly aware of traffic flow and potential hazards' technique that is so highly regarded in the west.

Anywho, the second most popular type of bicycle is the pushbike. Most have low slung cross bars (something that I would not be seen dead with as for me this means it is a girl's bike) and are single speeds. None of them are fixed wheeled. The rest of the push bikes are a mix of knackered old mountain and road bikes with the occasionally flashy hardtail thrown in. The biggest global brand out here is Giant. They dominate the pushbike market and also make a lot of the electric-assisted-bicycles that you see around the city. The other big brands are Merida and Gamma, the first of which make some quite nifty high-end cycles that you can by back in Europe.

If it weren't for the constant threats to one's life, riding a bicycle in Zhengzhou would actually be extremely pleasant. Firstly the cycle paths are wide, and well paved. Secondly, along every major street, there are small bicycle repair shops at intervals of about 100 metres. Here you can get all minor repairs done on the spot for very little money, and they pump up your tires for free. The people inside are often extremely friendly (actually friendly, not nosy and rude) and always impressed if you can speak a word of Chinese.

Anywho, must dash to my Chinese lesson this afternoon. Until next time.

Back in the Saddle

I finally have a bicycle. It is a classy, 10-speed Chinese road bike, purchased from the second hand market in the north of the city. Firstly I ought to describe the market and our little shopping excursion.

Our visit occured straight after a large lunch (in terms of people at the table and quantity of food and drink served) with a friend of Wojciech's and mine and his friends from a bank somewhere in the city. As with so many things, no matter the quality of the food (on this occasion, reasonably good) and drink (as usual, foul), good company makes for a good meal. I had a great time stuffing my face with fried dumplings and roasted duck while practicing my listening (which is noticeably improving day by day) and having a crack at joining in discussions where I could. This kind of practice may not be quite as productive as a lesson but it is certainly more enjoyable. On the subject of my Chinese, I have taken to learning 6-8 new words a day. I have found that anything that I learn in this way, sticks. It is also something I could quite easily continue when I am not having lessons or even in China.

Anywho, we were given a lift to the second hand market which is in the far north of the city straight after lunch. As I have already said, we had had a very good time, and Wojciech had had a bit more of a good time than others (if you catch my drift). I'm not sure whether the 'Chinese courage' aided or damaged our bargaining ability but, in the end we walked away with a working bicycle and a lock for less than 15 quid. Unfortunately, we were not really in the mood to look round the market, which is housed in a number of cavernous warehouses. It apparently sells, second hand, everything you can possibly imagine and it would be interesting to wonder through the stacks of TVs and heaps of fans for inflating bouncy castles.

This week I have been working and studying as normal, but with the aid of my bicycle I have given myself about an extra three quarters of an hour during the day. This makes coming home at lunch far less of a rush, which in turn has allowed me to fit in some more small study sessions and find some cool little restaurants around our flat.

My contract ends on the 7th of May and after that I do not know whether I will continue to work there or take another job (there are still continuous offers from the multitude of private schools in and around the city). At the end of May, I am going to meet my mother in Beijing (I cannot escape!) and I will hopefully find out by the end of this month whether I have a job on the closing ceremony of the Olympics. In the intervening months, I am keen to visit Oz to see the cousins and also do a little travelling in China. However, I feel the most important thing I can take from my time abroad is a good grasp of Mandarin, and for that reason I will try to do whatever allows me to learn as much of the language as possible.

We shall see

A very long day

As Wojciech always says; 'In China anything that is free, sells very well'. This can be demonstrated by the massive queues in supermarkets and on the streets for tiny free samples. It is also something I should have kept in mind when Vincent, a man from the school at which I work, invited Tom and me on a day trip to Luoyang this Saturday.
W
Luoyang is about two hours west of Zhengzhou by train, and is one of the three ancient Chinese capitals in Henan, along with Zhengzhou and Kaifeng. Its main tourist attraction is the Longmen Grottos, about a 40min bus ride from the central train station. The Grottos consist of a number of, you guessed it, grottos filled with carvings of Royals and characters from Buddhist history and mythology. They were patronised by many Emperors, including Wu Zetian, China's only female Emperor, in about 500 AD. Unfortunately many of the statues were defaced, literally, during the cultural revolution, but what remains is very impressive. The area is very green and cool, being a large river valley, and was therefore a delightful contrast to the dry heat of Zhengzhou. It took a good three hours to walk round and see everything, but it was worth it.

However, Tom and I were constantly pestered by Vincent who had decided that he would use the twelve hours in which he would be in contact with native English speakers as a private English lesson. I expected a little of this, but nothing close to the intensity and annoyance that he managed to generate. Not only were his questions constant and repetetive, but also annoyingly irrelevant. He seemed to desire to master coloquial English before he had any grasp of conjugating present tense verbs. Fortunately his son was pretty cool, and Tom and I had a good laugh mucking about with him and carrying him on our shoulders when he was tired. We also witnessed one of the more bizarre incidents that I have seen so far on my trip. A father giving his son a hefty boot in the bum for mucking around in a photo, then stomping off in a sulk, leaving his son completely startled. Very odd.

Tom and I are beginning to fight back against the annoyingly curious (I would say nosy but I am compromising and Vincent was constantly telling us that the reason everyone was either staring or laughing was because Chinese people are very warm hearted) Chinese. Our first weapon is our developing language skills. Now if a small child grabs his friend and shouts 'look, look lao wai!' (which is a semi-offensive way of saying foreigner that means old outsider), we can copy his actions, crying out 'look, look Chinese children!' which has yet to fail in putting them off guard. Our most recent development in the fight against nosiness was born out of or trip to Luoyang. If a Chinese person unashamedly takes a photo of us, but with know attempt to ask for permission, simply because we are foreigners, Tom and I will take out our cameras and each take a photo of the offender. This is very enjoyable, and an excellent release.

'More jellyfish with your chicken brains sir?'

This is not in fact a question I have been asked (not that I would be so bold as to suggest that I would know when a Chinese waiter had asked it) but I have consumed both jellyfish and chicken brains. Neither were a culinary revelation, the brains being tasteless and jellyfish being surprisingly crunchy but unsurprisingly salty, but are an interesting start to the subject of food in China.

I'd like to start with my average day's consumption of food. Firstly my meal proportions are unhealthily skewed, with breakfast being by far my smallest meal and dinner by far the largest. More often than not, I skip breakfast (valuing the extra time in bed over a bowl of rice porridge from one of the restaurants over the road) and if I do have it, I will simply pick up some yoghurt and eat on the skate to work. For lunch I usually return to the area in which I am living and pick up a rice or noodles dish, for example niu rou mian (noodles in a beef stock, with a few slices of meat). Dinner is where the most 'eatage' is to be had. On an average night we will go to our local eatery and order a few dishes. My favourite served locally is the fried aubergine, which is swimming in oil but absolutely delicious. We get our greens in the form of spinaches and simple salads. For me the low point of these meals is always the meat. As it is very expensive in China, almost everything you are served is 90% bone, skin, fat and gristle with the remainder being chewy, lean meat. The price of meat is probably one of the reasons that the Chinese consider so many parts of the animal that we in England would not normally consider eating delicacies. With chicken it's all about the head and the feet, the latter of which you can buy vacuumed packed to eat as a snack in most places that sell food. Fortunately I have not been offered such 'delicacies' on many occasions, but when I have it has not been a pleasant experience.

I will now try to give you a brief overview of the Chinese dining experience. Let's start with the obvious: the weapons of choice are the chopsticks. My limited skill has brought much praise from fellow diners who are amazed that I refuse a knife and fork. Often you are also given a small bowl with a small porcelain spoon for drinking any stock or soup that remains in dishes. Generally, unless you order an all in one dish, by this I mean meat, veg and carbs mixed up (like chao mian), then everyone shares communal dishes. This is a major contributor to China's massive Hep-C infection rate but also encourages socialising. In smarter restaurants, diners will sit round a round table with a spinning glass disk in the middle on which the dishes are placed. This is intended to allow easy access to the food but often leads to people having bowls of soup being spun away from them still containing their spoons.

The thing that I have found most difficult is the order in which the food is served. Basically it comes in the order in which it is prepared. This means salads come first, OK so far, but cooked, sweet dishes come intermingled with the cow's tail and the pig's trotters. This is all far to random for my western palate so I normally avoid the deserts and try and pick something up around our house afterwards. The other odd thing is that after gorging themselves on the ridiculous amounts of food available, the Chinese will often order a rice or noodle filler just to make certain. All of this pales in comparison to the dreaded bai jiu.

Bai jiu is the traditional Chinese rice wine. It can be anything from 40-60% and tastes absolutely foul. I am convinced, through observation of post-quaffage facial expressions, that the Chinese can't stand it also but they say otherwise. Drinking alone is a bit of a faux-pas and you are expected to wait for the call of lai-lai! (come come) or, the somewhat worse, gang bei! (bottoms up). Therefore the pace of drink can be determined by a few people at the table. I try to avoid drinking the foul beverage as much as possible, but at a social dinner it is nigh on impossible.

Anywho, in the spirit of Channel 4, I would like to list my top 5 things I have eaten in China:
5. Seeds - This is the snack of choice for the Chinese I have encountered. The reason I like them so much is that the complicated act of opening the seeds means that I cannot wolf it down on a long journey as I would do with anything else.
4. Xinjang Dumplings - These are baked on the wall of a stone oven and the combination of pastry, mutton and black pepper reminds of Cornish Pasties.
3. Yoghurt Ice Creams - My favourite treat. I believe they are made by a dairy company in Inner Mongolia and at 1 RMB (7p) they are difficult to resist.
2. Thick Noodle Soup (hui mian) - Very filling and wholesome and not too heavy on the flavour, something that is very rare over here.
1. Fried Aubergine (chiezi cai) - As I have already mentioned, an extremely tasty dish which I will attempt to emulate back in Blighty.

Wo hui Zhengzhou

I have returned to Zhengzhou after my successful trip to Xi'an with Tom. We left on Thursday night at 7:30 from the central bus station in Zhengzhou. The journey was less than perfect, we broke down twice and our fellow travellers were more noisy asleep than awake. However the major gripe with the whole thing was that we arrived at 3:40 in the morning. This was down to our misunderstanding when we bought the tickets and meant that we not only had to find some beds at this ungodly hour but attempt to communicate with the weary taxi driver in broken Chinese. We arrived at the Shuyuan Youth hostel to find that, in typical Chinese style, that the front desk was massively overstaffed despite the early hour. We ended up with two beds in a four-bed dorm that was already occupied by a Kiwi couple. Our arrival, accompanied by the switching on of the rooms bright strip light (not by us but by one of the hotel staff as we said 'Don't worry about the l...'), must have severely disrupted their sleep so we were doubly grateful when they warned us that they were leaving early so we could shotgun their beds. This was necessary as the hostel was extremely busy and we had been told that we would have to find somewhere else to sleep.

So with accommodation sorted, Tom and I ventured out into this new city. Xi'an was, for me, a breath of fresh air. Firstly it was raining, which was a welcome contrast to the overly dry climate of Henan. Secondly, in Xi'an they have embraced their traditional architecture, and even the new buildings attempt to emulate it to some extent. Added to this much of the old remains. Being the most famous of the inland cities, apart from the capital, there are far more tourists on the streets, and for this reason Tom and I did not cause anywhere near the stir that we would cause in Zhengzhou.

On the first day, we cycled around the city walls which was nice after our cramped bus journey. We then went to the Muslim quarter for some lunch. The food was very good and we shared the table with a young Chinese couple who let us taste some of their dishes. It was not such a novel experience as I have eaten in a Xinjang restaurant in Zhengzhou a number of times. However the Muslim quarter is very cool. First there is the big market, which although a bit 'touristy', had a few interesting trinkets. Then there is the Great Mosque, a large building in the Chinese style built around three court yards. We somehow managed to avoid paying an entrance fee and were lucky to catch the afternoon prayer. On the way out of the Muslim Quarter, I sampled some of the sweets, none of which had a completely unexpected taste, but all of which, after the initial shock, were delicious. Later in the afternoon we briefly visited the Bell and Drum Towers, which if I'm honest were almost exactly the same and therefore equally dull. We spent that evening chatting with some of the younger hostel guests about their travel experiences while drinking the slightly overpriced beer in the basement bar.

Saturday was our day to visit the terracotta warriors (Bing Mayong in Chinese). We immediately discarded any thoughts of an organised tour and decided it would be both more economically sound and more impressive to take the public bus. This meant standing in a frighteningly long queue at the train/bus station, that was actually deceptively quick, followed by a forty minute ride in a double decker to the dig site. The warriors were discovered in 1974 by a peasant farmer digging the well. His thankless task today is to sit in a shop at the shop everyday and sign books for tourists. Tom and I did not go in, but I have an image of a small man with one over-developed wrist. The warriors themselves were everything that we expected, neither better nor worse. Unfortunately the impressiveness wears off after a while and one notices the ridiculous high tourist prices (a bottle of water cost ten times the price of one in Zhengzhou). Using our out of date student cards and vehemently refusing any offers of tours or guides, Tom and I managed to do the whole thing for less than 45 RMB (about three quid).

On our return that evening we decided to go for a stroll outside of the old walls, to get away from the crowds. On this walk, we were accosted by a man speaking to us in Chinese who we initially thought was trying to sell us something. We were mistaken, we walked with him for about quarter of an hour and had a simple, but interesting, conversation on the subject of 'currencies of the world'. We returned to the hostel in time to go and get some food, and were dismayed to find that yet again all of the guests were eating western food in the overpriced 'Traveller's Cafe' (some eating pizza and chips [oh the shame]). Defiantly Tom and I went out in search of an alleyway (where the best and cheapest food is invariably available) and discovered a cool street restaurant where we tucked into two plates of Chao Bing (fried shredded pancake [chao as in 'chao mein']) , sharing a table with a middle-aged couple from England who had quit their jobs as teachers and had been travelling for seven months. On returning to the hostel we finally managed to drag away two English lads from Nottingham, with the unintentional aid of the American traveller singing 'oom-bop' on the open-mic) to explore the night life of Xi'an. We listened to a live band in the incredibly smokey 'Bar-Moonkey' before wandering around 'Bar 1+1". This bar was a veritable labyrinth, I imagine to make the task of escaping the extortionate prices as difficult as possible, and looked like one of the flashy places out of CSI Miami. We ended up wandering the streets, bottles of Tsingdao in hand, checking out the night food markets and stuffing ourselves with kebabs and dumplings. Good Times.

We had allocated the next morning to shop in the market. We were on the hunt for trinkets that where neither too expensive nor complete crap (excuse my yingyu). In the end we each purchased some cool 'old' combination locks that used symbols instead of numbers and Tom bought a chess set. We were pretty pleased with our heartless bargaining and it seem to draw admirable glances from fellow travellers (many of whom, I imagine had just paid four times what we had for the same items). The stall-holders would immediately set an extortionate price which we would attempt to cut but about 75%. The ultimate weapon is the 'walk away' which one must perform to it's completion a few times so that other vendors do not think you are bluffing.

At two thirty we went to the train station. We managed to wangle our way into the soft-seat lounge, similar to the first-class lounge in an airport, and had no problem in catching our train. The journey was long, but relatively smooth. Chinese trains appear to stop for about ten minute in each station, giving one plenty of time to get out, stretch one's legs and purchase a drink. The afternoon was very hot and the train was not air-conditioned, however this was not a problem as long as the train was moving. We arrived around midnight, took a shared taxi to my apartment before saying our goodbyes. I am extremely glad that we decided to risk the long trip on this busy weekend as we had an excellent time.

Now I am back to work, I feel refreshed and have a new found energy. This week I will be buying my bicycle for Pakistan, which is exciting my inner child. Also today it has been raining all day, which frankly, has been marvelous. I am looking forward to fresh new city in the morning. Also, a certain amount of schadenfreude has led to me enjoying the glum faces on the Chinese populous as their city is given a spring clean.

On a completely irrelevant note, today I ate an ice cream believing it to contain blueberries. It turned out to be made with sweet kidney beans and was actually quite nice.

We're off to see the warriors, the wonderful warriors of Xi'an

Tom and I are departing for Xi'an in about two hours. We bought tickets at the bus station two days ago which in itself is a triumph of our developing language skills. Furthermore we discovered that the journey will last either 7 or 12 hours and the bus may or may not be a sleeper. This mystery simply adds to the excitement of my first proper attempt at 'going travelling' as it were. Tom was told by a number of lanky haired gappers, when he spent the Spring festival in Beijing, that Xi'an was 'awesome' and 'mind-blowing'. As you can imagine, with such cliched descriptions of our destination in mind, our expectations can only be high.

Not much has happened this week so I thought I'd take up one of these posts lamenting about all of the things I miss from Blighty. I feel I can do this today as I am in a good mood so it will not be overly upsetting.

1. I miss bread. More specifically I miss Simmons' granary sandwich loaf (I am now salivating). The bread here is a) always white and b) contains a lot of sugar. This was a bit of a shock the first time I tried to mop up some sauce at dinner. It tasted like gravy on Brioche (something my father would love)
2. I miss people ignoring me in the streets. I'm sure it is born out of a desire to be friendly but the constant hellos do wear me down. Especially when they are spoken behind my back and followed by a torrent of guffaws.
3. I miss my friends and family (Aaaaaaaahhhhhh). This is most apparent when waking from a dream about home (which has happened on a few occasions) and the shock of realising I am 8000 miles away is really quite strong.
4. I miss traffic regulations.

The fact that I can't think of much more is probably a good sign.

Anywho, in a few days you will have an über-post on Xi'an accompanied by some new pictures on facebook.

A return to health

I have overcome my first bout of Oriental dysentery. This is a massive relief, not simply because I was feeling particularly unpleasant but also because I can now avoid the use of squat-pots. I know my last post was principally concerned with bathroom problems, but you must understand that it is a major issue.



Anywho, I visited my first Chinese nightclub yesterday (which goes some way to explaining the quality of the writing in this post). Wojciech, Tom and I went with our Jie Jie (older sister) and we had a good time sitting at the bar watching the young Chinese introverts attempting to flirt with one another. As with all of these places in China, it was massively overstaffed, we had three barmaids to ourselves who each competed to refill our glasses. Tom and I had a long discussion in broken English and fractured Chinese with one of the bar staff (I say bar staff as we never decided on his or her sex) who was from Guangdong province in the south of China. He/She spent a long time trying to teach us a dice game which in the end turned out to be about as rudimentary as a game can get, the person with highest roll is the winner.

The other day, Sean asked if I would go with him for this thing at the Henan TV station. It sounded interesting so I agreed. What it involved was an early morning trip to the northern outskirts of the city to stand around for a bit in a crowd while some of the presenters gave some spiel about the Olympics and it's sponsors (it appeared to simply be a big Coca-Cola advert). I do not really understand the purpose of our being there, but I did get to meet my new Belgian friend, Michael. He has been in China for about the same amount of time as me and is working as in Intern in one of the government offices in the city. He speaks no Chinese so I said we should meet up so I can scratch up on my French and teach the few simple things I know in Chinese.

On the subject of Chinese, I can feel myself improving. This total immersion thing really works. I am now thinking that if I am not satisfied with the amount I have learnt before I go to Pakistan for the cycling, I will come back afterwards and study a bit longer. It really isn't so difficult once you get past the initial shock of the pronunciation and the lack of syntax.

Things that the Lonely Planet ought to warn you of

There are a couple of pieces of advice that I believe one should take on any trip to China. Most of these are mentioned in the travel guides, however some key points are oft-overlooked. Firstly, 95% of Chinese toilets (those in restaurants, public buildings etc.) do not provide toilet paper, therefore it is absolute importance that you carry around your own supply, as every Chinese person does. Secondly 98% of toilets in China will be filthy squat-pots, so trousers that occasionally trail on the floor are a no no. Thirdly, if you are of any height (5'9" or above) or are not particularly flexible, you will find that it is very difficult to fit your entire body into a cubicle while maintaining the necessary sphinctal floor alignment (apologies to those reading while they are eating, but you shouldn't be eating at the computer anyway, the keys will get all sticky and then Dad will have to clean it).

These points are particularly topical for me, as I am in the midst of a rather painful stomach bug. This is undoubtedly a result of the numerous dishes of luke-warm meat that have been served to me in restaurants. It is in fact very difficult to refuse these havens of microscopic life as their arrival at the table is always accompanied by cries of 'Chi, Chi' ('eat!, eat!') directed at myself, the person who has spent the least time in China. So, in an effort to avoid the quizzical, almost hurt, looks I receive whenever I refuse such offers I have chosen to run the gauntlet of digestive disease. Perhaps in the future I will be more obstinate.

I must mention Sean. He is from Shanghai and now is in charge of all files at the training school where I am now working. He is a self-confessed sufferer of 'Anglomania' and as a result was very excited to meet me. He speaks with a rather ridiculous attempt at an English accent, and loves to quote to me lists of English things that he knows and claims to like. This was amusing at first, but his fawning to all the everything cliched and, as a white-socked sandal wearing American tourist would say, 'quaint', is now a little bit sickening. However he has said that he will introduce me to his Belgian friend so I may get a chance to practice my French, a language I sorely miss when surrounded by the tonal chaos of Mandarin.

Old people in China are trying to kill me

Their efforts occur principally on my skate to and from lessons. The journey takes about 40 minutes and I am grateful for it as it is going someway to counteract the vast quantity of food (which is consists principally of oil, grease and fat) I have been eating. Some days I make the journey four times; going to teach in the morning, returning for lunch and then going back to study Chinese in the afternoon. Anyway, it is a journey fraught with danger, the Chinese appear to apply the same policy to other road users that small children apply to monsters. Namedly that if you can't see it, it is not there. Therefore whenever a Chinese driver, cyclist or pedestrian (who believe, if anything, they have more right than the HGV to be in the fast lane of a highway) crosses the flow of traffic, their gaze will be fixed obstinately in the opposite direction to the source of vehicles. This problem is particularly prevolent in the elderly, who, fortunately, do not often drive but still make every effort to turn their bicycles and electric scooters into deadly weapons. To be honest, I do not think that they pose a threat greater than any other age group, I am just freaked out by the cold stare that I receive in return for any exasperated look as a result of a near death experience.

The elderly are revered in China. It has been a tradition, encouraged by Confucious and now by the Communist Party, for children to have absolute respect for and take care of their elderly relatives. I agree with the sentiment, however I believe that this has led to many old-timers in China acting like spoilt Western children. They are the ones who push the most in queues or interupt when you are asking a shop assistant a question (or in my case trying to demonstrate a usb cable in hand gestures). However, some are very friendly. Yesterday I had a fifteen minute conversation with three ancient women who live near our appartment. I say conversation, in the quarter of an hour period we managed to establish that I was nineteen, I lived with the tall foreigner who has a dog and that I knew the character's for China.

On a different subject, I have begun teaching my class of Koreans. I have the middle tier which consists of five boys aged 12 to 16. They are all pretty chilled out which is good, and one or two speak enough English to be able to hold a simple conversation. I am teaching them five days a week for 2 1/4 hours, so it will be a challenge to keep them interested. I will have to think of plenty of useful but not patronising games (we are already tiring of hangman). One other problem is that they now all have electronic dictionaries and it is hard to tear their gazes from them. Therefore I have instigated the rule that each lesson one student will be the 'Dictionary Master' and the others will have to ask him in English to check something. I should probably tell you their names as they are reasonably amusing (not of the caliber of Hovercraft, Happy and Red [names adopted by Chinese people I have met]). They are, in alphabetical order, Aben, Albert, Alvin, Baron and Brian. I think the funniest names are the particularly old-person sounding English ones. For example, Wojciech has a pupil who is about 6, clinically insane and i with little or no English called Bob. This made me burst out laughing.

International Relations

I finally have some real lessons to teach. It is perhaps not what I envisaged prior to coming to China but it should be a bit of a laugh. I will be teaching some Korean children, from the ages of 11-14, who have come to China following their parent's career. It was all very sudden; I came back from another trip to Nanyang (more on that later) and received a call from Mr Nyu while I was eating dinner. He said that he wanted me to come in to see him the next morning to discuss a schedule. On arrival at the school he promptly told me that I would be teaching Monday to Friday, 9 - 11. Then, this being China, I was informed that in ten minutes I would be taking a class of six Korean students from the ages of eight to eighteen to assess their level of English. Rather a big ask. This seems to reflect two attitudes that I have repeatedly encountered while teaching. Firstly that any warning is a gift, almost everything is announced on the day and last minute, which is extremely frustrating. Secondly, their is an assumption that as an Englishman, I will have innate teaching skills and knowledge of the many sylabbi available to teach foreign children English. Anyway, I took the class and with a little help from Selwyn (a black guy [so more of a lao wai than me] from Canada who is teaching some of the children and was told just as late as I was) I split them into beginner, intermediate and advanced levels.

I am interested to see how this will go, I will try to help the children as much as possible in the coming months and we will see how it pans out.

Anyway, I should probably briefly describe my second trip to Nanyang. This time it was just me and another teacher from Horizon. Thankfully she had a pretty good level of English so I was not so isolated as before. We visited three schools, including the one in Zhenpin where, yet again, the headteacher managed to sneak about two hours extra teaching on us. The three days were quite enjoyable, with yet more free food and drink. What I will take away from this trip is the fantastic voices I heard. Here are my top three in reverse order:
In third place is the female teacher who sounded like Simon of 'Alvin and the Chipmunks'. It took a lot of effort not to burst out in hysterics when she was repeating the word 'balloon' to her class.
In second place was a senior male teacher at one of the schools who had a perfectly normal voice when speaking Chinese but a ridiculously camp one when speaking English.
In a well deserved first place was the headmistress of the first school that I visited, who not only looked scary but sounded like a cross between the girl from 'The Exorcist' and Shao Fu (Voytek's pug). Her shouting at her staff was one of the most disturbing things I have ever witnessed.

From the middle to the edge of nowhere.

I have been out of Zhengzhou for the past three days, travelling to two other cities in the Province with Horizon Education (my new employers). The trip was with a group of teachers and assistants from the school, of whom the best English speaker was Mr Nyu (he is pretty poor). So I had plenty of time to practice my even more appalling Chinese. The first destination was Zhengpin, a suburb of Nanyang, which is about 340 km from Zhengzhou. We arrived at about ten at night after a long journey in the school's Ford Transit come Minibus. I was told triumphantly, by the head of the school there that we would be eating in a famous noodle restaurant that night. However it was closed. Never fear we will go to a famous dumpling restaurant instead, also closed. Nobody made any efforts to claim that the street restaurant at which we ate was in any way prestigious. However, sitting there, eating wholesome food and drinking rather awful Chinese spirits I had somewhat of an epiphany. This was what coming to China was all about. Sitting outside in the cold eating food from communal plates with people speaking a language that meant little or nothing to me. It was a wonderful night.

The next day we got up early to travel to the half-finished auditorium round the corner where Horizon were booked to be speaking to entice new students. I should point out here that this kind of school is extremely popular for primary and junior school students, who having to spend less time in school than older children, have plenty of time for extra lessons. It is not easy growing up in the People's Republic. Anyway, the talk lasted about two and a half hours but was worth it as I got to meet some children before and after. Obviously I am even more of a 'Panda' (a term coined rather cleverly, I think, by Wei Lai, a student who I had been helping prepare for an exam) out of the city and the staring intensity duly increases. I ate lunch, again with no English speakers, in a rather skanky restaurant in the town. Fortunately it was women's day which meant for once I did not have to bear the brunt of the toasts and therefore did not have to drink too much of the foul, flat, luke-warm, beer like drink we were given.

The afternoon was spent taking a few lessons with some students at the branch schools. I basically just played some games with them and taught them 'Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes'. I hope that in the future I will be teaching the younger children as the lessons only require simple games and they are far better behaved than the 11-12-13 year olds who mucked about a lot for the 45 minutes for which I was abandoned to their mercy. What was most surprising was their absolute refusal to go anywhere near the opposite sex, making tasks, such as standing in a circle, difficult.

After all the teaching it was time to leave Zhenpin and three of the group, including myself, took a short but terrifying minibus ride to meet up with the others. The route taken by the driver seemed to be based on three simple philosophies; 1) A speed limit is a suggestion not an order 2) Staying on the correct side of the road is both boring and slow 3) No matter the size or weight of the vehicle coming directly towards me in the same lane, I will not deviate my course. A little flustered we got off, to be picked up almost immediately by the school's van. What followed was an another incredibly dull journey back to Zhengzhou and then to Herbi, another city.

We spent the night in a rather shabby hotel that appeared to be populated more or less entirely by the employees and clients of the vice trade. We awoke early the next morning, breakfasted with the ladies of the night and a number of dodgy looking policemen, and left to another branch school. This school was new and we were there for it's opening ceremony. In fact we were the only people there as it was eight o'clock on a Sunday morning. Not wanting to leave anyone out of the celebrations, the teachers set off about 500 firecrackers and some other incendiary devices containing ticker tape. Next port of call was a hotel where I had to sit through the speech that I heard the day before all over again. Prior to this however, I was ordered to play games with the children. This was in fact the only instruction I received and so I the attempted to entertain about 100 Chinese children unaided (more 'Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes) for half an hour. After another large meal, we were sent to the school where we had to wait for about five hours for Mr Nyu to sort out some business.

We eventually returned to Zhengzhou at about nine thirty, and the relief I felt makes me think that already this place is beginning to feel like some sort of home. Three weeks ago, I would not have thought it possible.

When one door closes, another one opens with free food and better wages.

So many things have changed since my last post. The most obvious and, in terms of the series of events, chronologically correct is that I am not going to be working at Number 1 Middle School. I was told to meet with the Dean and Ms. Shi in the school office one morning and was told that was no way that they could get me a foreign expert's certificate and therefore no way that I could legally work at the school. 'Bugger' was my initial thought and I was taken rather reluctantly with Voytk to a school he said would offer me a job. The school is a private school (like all of the language schools in Cambridge and London and offers extra English lessons for Chinese children from the ages of 6 to 16). I met the director/headteacher, Mr Nyu (which means cow), and we discussed the job. I would be teaching in evenings and on weekends, about 15 hours a week and would be paid about twice as much as I would be if I had been working at No. 1. The other advantage is that the school is covered by far less rigorous employment regulations as it is not state run and is effectively a business.

The next dilemma was where to live, as I was told that there was no way I could stay at No.1. Voytk, Polish legend that he is, offered me the spare room in his flat. And so I have moved in with him. In return for the bed he wants me to help him with his research into getting Chinese students into US and British uni's, look for suitable websites to advertise his project for getting international students to spend a year at school in Zhengzhou and also to look after his dog (Shao fu) who feels spends too much time cooped up in his apartment.

I can now give you a more detailed description of my new flatmate. He has been in China for six years and therefore speaks excellent Mandarin (Putonghwa). His greatest attribute is his ridiculously large group of friends and acquaintances. This includes not only the headteachers of a number of schools, but senior policemen, wealthy businessmen and the lady in charge of distributing train tickets for the entirety of the province (which is the largest in terms of population in China). He has also offered me free Chinese lessons at a new school that he is involved in. He is 27, about 6'3", and will most likely be heard saying 'don't worry about it' or 'he's craaazy'.

To be quite honest I am chuffed to bits with the current situation, I think things are really looking good and I can't wait for the next few months. That's all for now, we are about to go out and get dinner paid for us (again)!

Would like to teach

The waiting continues, I can do little else until I have got a certificate which I need to get another certificate which I need to get an invitation letter which I need to get the right kind of visa. Fortunately I do not really need to be present for these things so I now have the time to help out some of the students, even if I don't get paid.

I have therefore been working with one boy who is in grade 2 (which I think is the same as lower sixth but there seems to be a larger age range) who wants to study in the US. The other day he had a chance to go to another school to do some interviews with some representatives from American and Australian universities each with plenipotentiary powers. So I asked some typical interview questions and tried to advise him on what kind of language to use that would allow him to come across as confident but not arrogant. I have yet to hear how it went.

I have also been helping another son of a friend of Ms Shi who is taking a special exam for the Beijing Foreign Language University. I have been paid for this on occasion (and taken to lunch), which is cool. On the money front, by the way, I am only half way through my 200 pounds worth of Yuan so the lack of wages is not a bother for the moment. Anyway he and his father took me on a bit of a tour today and we went to the crazy, modern new Eastern District, which my father and I puzzled over on Google Earth before my departure. We then had Chinese hot pot, which is like a Fondue just with water, in a restaurant who's toilets have surpassed those of the hospital in their abject filth.

I have also had another chance to have a little lesson, this time with a Grade 2 class. This was a return favour for Ricky (I wish I could remember Chinese names instead of their acquired English ones) who took me into the city to by some shoes (which can be seen on Facebook in all their glory [I love brackets]) and to show me where the best bike shops are. This was in fact a huge favour as I am now certain I will be able to get a suitable ride for my tour in Pakistan. The lesson was more of a question and answer session, which went a lot better than my garbled attempt with Mr Yang's class. I now have loads of lesson ideas which I have recorded in great detail in all of my spare time.

The unexpected fruit of my boredom is the joyous discovery of 'Chinglish'. This is the use of bizarre English phrases on shop signs and adverts. Here are the best so far:
. [On my bed spread] - 'All I love is just beautiful...Your charm also bewitches me'
. [On my loo roll] - 'This beauty in full bloom scents the air and deserves lots of praise for its sweet and white
. [On a billboard advertising new apartments] - 'Champions of the elite living memory'
. [As above] - 'The centre enjoys, surmount and enjoy'
. [As above] - 'The garden in the sky is a them of all noble life'

I know - they're beautiful.

Blood, Urine and No Electricity

So, the dreaded medical. I arrived at the Hospital on the other side of town (very close to the Henan exposition centre, which is is the exciting set of buildings in the North East of the city that can be seen on Google Earth) at 8:30 ready for my medical. After a relatively short time queuing to get the forms I went into the main hospital area which consisted of one corridor with a number of examination rooms off to the side. The corridor was packed with people, mainly a large group of young Chinese military recruits being tested before going overseas, their presence, although initially amusing was one of the reason that the whole thing took so long. Drawing blood was comfortingly hygienic and therefore not at all, however giving a urine sample was more exciting. Firstly it involved a visit to the current holder of 'China's Foulest Toilet' and secondly a perilous trip down to the other end of the corridor, negotiating a large crowd carrying a lidless pot of pee. It was only the regular appearance of a patient carrying their potentially disgusting sample that prevented the corridor becoming a free for all. In the whole process took four and half hours for a series of what seemed pretty arbitrary tests. The ECG was the most frustrating; the doctor demonstrated the same skill and patience with the machine that the Monkey shows with the bones in '2001:A Space Odyssey'. It was only after pressing the same harder and faster for ten minutes that he decided to call for help. After all of this we discovered I had to return to collect the results today, so it is still not over. Woe is me.

I returned to school to find that it was without power and would be until some point in the evening, fortunately the weather has been brilliant these past few days so I went out to the playing field and ended up having a knock about with some teachers. I discovered that there is a teachers football team that occasionally plays teams from the Foreign Language School, which would be fun.

After dusk the students were still expected to be in their classrooms for self study, not to be foiled by something so simple as a power cut, they were all equipped with small battery powered desk lamps. It appears that there is nothing that will keep them from studying. I was in the teachers office crowding round a laptop watching the new series of Knight Rider (which I can now authoritatively dismiss as absolute rubbish) until I was dragged away by two students in Grade 1 who wanted me to come and talk to their class. My first lesson of sorts!

The combination of the lack of power (and the resultant excitement created by desk lamps) and the presence of a LoWai (Old Outsider) made the class quite unruly. I skipped about a few different topics until they became bored and asked me to sing a song, after some futile resistance (remember it is me versus 50 well drilled Chinese students shining their desk lamps into my face, there was no need for them to say 'we have ways of making you sing') I sang some of 'The General' by dispatch until I ran out of memorable lyrics. After a song in return from one of the girls in the class, the power came back and I took my leave.

It is the next day now and I have just met the other foreign teacher at the school. He is a Pole called Voytk or Tufu (which means Butcher) who has been in China for six years. He comes across as slightly deranged but jolly, and laughed at the bureaucracy that surrounds the visa system. He also told me that he knew of plenty of opportunities for me to earn a bit of extra money at language schools and some of his many projects in the city. I will keep this in mind, but I think it is most important to get (legally) established at this school first and then see what my options are.

Anyway, I must get ready to leave to the Hospital for the third time, my goal of a working visa is in sight!

This will post will be short to reflect my dread.

Tomorrow, as part of the visa process, I am going for a medical check at 7:00 in the morning. Hopefully it will simply be a fully clothed analysis of my chi, however my mind is haunted by rubber gloves and backless gowns.

Wish me luck

Ode for freedom of travel.

It's been a while since my last post, principally because my time with the computer has dominated by attempts to solve my present visa issues. On Thursday I had my first meeting with one of the school leaders (how many there are I don't know but I'm certain that there are enough to confuse any potential martian invader) which concluded that it is far more difficult to obtain a working visa while in China than I had initially been led to believe and that the school would be unwilling to employ me without one. Bugger.

Firstly, I am a little peeved having been told repeatedly (as a result of a number of anxious enquiries) that it would be fine to travel on a tourist visa and get it's status changed once I was in China. Secondly, I am now beginning to settle in and appreciate the scabby charm of Zhengzhou. As an example of this, tonight, I met up with Tom in the city to have a beer and lament the seemingly pointless bureaucratic that is the visa system. We had roast duck at a restaurant only accessible by crossing eight lanes of traffic, fortunately the potential for death is more than compensated by the quality of the duck, which was awesome. We then by chance met a group of three American graduates teaching at Number 47 Middle School (I am informed by Tom that this is the largest concentration of westerners he has encountered in Zhengzhou ) which was an experience only marred by the fact that one of the group was wearing Sunglasses despite in being dusk and was named Cy, the shame! This evening was topped off with a brief visit to 'Target Pub', the popular hang out for westerners. We were the only clients.

Anyhow, it would be such a gargantuan waste to have to end the trip now. I will not go home, no matter the outcome of the impending negotiations, but will have to think of a new plan.

Apart from all the hoohar, I have been enjoying the school more and more. I have been helping a boy in Grade 2 to practice for his SATs (American senior school exams) so he can study in the states. For a Chinese speaker this a mammoth task, he not only has to write an 400 word essay in 25 minutes, very difficult for anyone educated to constantly check all English with a dictionary and a textbook to ensure flawless text, but also complete a number of difficult vocabulary based close test, that I find challenging myself. It is a bit of struggle to get him to leave the office or let me go and eat some lunch, but I will allow him this almost frightening obsession with me considering the work he has put in.

On a completely unrelated note, it was Lantern Festival yesterday. This took the form of 'sweet dumplings' ('soggy black balls with a crunchy centre' would be a more accurate title), and more fireworks than usual. By more fireworks, I mean that for about three hours, the entire sky was dotted with fireworks and permeated with screams and bangs. It seems that part of the excitement of fireworks in China, were health and safety most definitely does not rule supreme, is seeing which ones reach a safe altitude before detonation. The students, who would escape from their classrooms whenever the teacher on patrol did not shout at them to return to personal study, took great delight in any fire work that acted like a WWI air burst shell and sent the observers scattering, often into a busy road.

What Larks! I shall report again as soon as possible, hopefully from China.

Close Encounters of the British Kind

Huzzah! I have met up with Tom, an English graduate from Birmingham who is teaching at the Number 2 Foreign Languages School in Zhengzhou. We met outside the trainstation which is the focal point of the whole city and is therefore chuffing massive. Simply getting to the train station was a bit daunting in itself as it would be the first time that I had been out of the school unnaccompanied. However it was not a problem as all busses that go into the city terminate at the station, so it was simply a case of jumping on one with plenty of time to rendez vous.

(Busses are the transport of choice for the teachers at the school. They stop about once every ten minutes and will reach the centre of the city in between 40 and 60 minutes, depending on the route. They are ridiculously cheap, 1 Yuan (7p) for a normal bus and 2 for the K Busses (with air-con). The bus is often full of characters, e.g. the driver I had on a particularly packed bus who became so irate with peoples unwillingness to move to the back to make space that he stood up and turned around to release an angry tirade, while driving)

Anywho, I succesfully met up with Tom, which was not a challenge despite the impressive crowd in the station square due to his height and lack of straight black hair. We then searched for a bar and ended up in a rather flashy hotel where we reluctantly handed over 15 Yuan for a bottle of Tsingtao and sat down in the restaurant to chat. He is from Birmingham, an English Literature graduate from York and came to Zhengzhou in late September. He speaks a little Chinese, enough to ask for directions or beer, which is about all you need. He could relate to my initial worries and also warned me of the annoyance that came with the increasing confidence of students. He had to leave at five as his school is not in the city itself and therefore requires a slightly more complicated Bus route than mine. On my return the school I went straight to t
he Grade 1 English Teachers' office to let them know I was safe and well.

It is such a bonus to have another English person of a similar age here and hopefully we will be able to do a bit of travelling on weekends and during the May Holiday together.

Last but not least, I have adapted to the time zone and am now sleeping well.

A trip to the Police Station

I did not sleep at all last night, which is probably a blessing in disguise as my body will now be forced to conform with the time zone. However today was the first day that I have really enjoyed. I started by driving a long way into the city to visit The Bank of China to, I had thought, open a bank account. Actually my hosts had got the impression that I did not have enough Chinese Yuan and drove me all the way to the other side of the city to get some out. An unnecessary diversion but it did give me an opportunity to marvel at the deranged traffic system.

On returning to the school, the car was met by a constant flow of students returning from the Spring Holidays. Thankfully, now brimming with students, the school has begun to look far more welcoming and far less like ACME headquarters. I spent the afternoon with a first grade student, 17, called Mike (it will take me a while to remember Chinese names). As I had been told, he was unbelievably keen to chat and we must have spoken for at least three hours (while I'm thinking about names, I get to choose a Chinese one, I was thinking 'Dashingly Handsome'). He told me that students were expected to work about 16 hours a day and as proof showed me a desk lamp that he and his roommates had hidden behind a piece of wood in their cupboard that allowed them to work after the lights had gone out. Here, they break the rules to do more work!

I then was driven into town with Felix (Mr Yang), Ms Shi and Mr Lee (the multi-purpose driver slash visa negotiator) to go to a police station to get my visa and employment registered. If you had spoken to me before the trip you will know that I was worried that this could pose a problem but it turned out that my potential deportation was a source of much hilarity.

I have also arranged to meet Tom, another English student teaching at a school close to the city. So today, I will have to make my way to the train station, armed with a less than elementary understanding of Mandarin and a brief phrasebook.

Wish me luck

First Post

I write this on my second night at the Zhengzhou Number 1 Middle School. My journey here was long but uneventful, this despite Mum's fears of the potential of an air disaster over Siberia, with little sleep and many frustratingly tiny plastic cups of semi-flat russian mineral water. Moscow airport was unashamedly Soviet and I only wish I had had a companion with me to play spot the Lada.

I was met by William Wang, my contact with the SSA Trust, in Beijing and then by Ms Shi, my contact at the school, in Zhengzhou. After being shown my impressively large but amazingly cold appartment I went to dinner at the 'Village Restaurant', a novelty old style Chinese restaurant built, somewhat incongruously, under a motorway bridge. The meal consisted of a variety of brightly coloured, similar tasting dishes that we all shared (we being Ms Shi, the head of English [who's name I forget], Mr Li the driver, another teacher and a recently student who had recently graduated from the school). I wish I had followed the advice of my Aunt Hermione and avoided the rice wine, however this did lead to the introduction of a drinking game similar to Rock, Paper, Scissors but instead Stick, Tiger, Chicken, Worm. Stick beats Tiger, Tiger eats Chicken, Chicken eats Worm and Worm eats Stick.

A combination of fretting (I feel for you Mum) and jet-lag led to a sleepless night.

Today I visited the City with Mr Yang (English name Felix, which reminds me that at some point I will get to choose a Chinese name, I was thinking perhaps 'ying jewn' [handsome] or 'yoong gun' [brave] would be suitable) which is sprawling and mental, the traffic appear to follow no rules and use their horns to represent any kind of message ranging from 'I am about to overtake you ' to 'I don't care if it is the pavement, my bus is big and made of metal'. In the supermarket I bought some fetching brown slippers which are wonderful when walking on the cold stone floor of the apartment. I was then given a grimy upright washing machine for my apartment by the very nice 'Caretaker' type bloke, who made his daughter ride thirty minutes to the school to translate 'be careful the edge is sharp' for him (I really must learn some useful Mandarin). Tomorrow I am meeting the head to discuss my schedule and contract. Bring on the fretting!