A return to health

I have overcome my first bout of Oriental dysentery. This is a massive relief, not simply because I was feeling particularly unpleasant but also because I can now avoid the use of squat-pots. I know my last post was principally concerned with bathroom problems, but you must understand that it is a major issue.



Anywho, I visited my first Chinese nightclub yesterday (which goes some way to explaining the quality of the writing in this post). Wojciech, Tom and I went with our Jie Jie (older sister) and we had a good time sitting at the bar watching the young Chinese introverts attempting to flirt with one another. As with all of these places in China, it was massively overstaffed, we had three barmaids to ourselves who each competed to refill our glasses. Tom and I had a long discussion in broken English and fractured Chinese with one of the bar staff (I say bar staff as we never decided on his or her sex) who was from Guangdong province in the south of China. He/She spent a long time trying to teach us a dice game which in the end turned out to be about as rudimentary as a game can get, the person with highest roll is the winner.

The other day, Sean asked if I would go with him for this thing at the Henan TV station. It sounded interesting so I agreed. What it involved was an early morning trip to the northern outskirts of the city to stand around for a bit in a crowd while some of the presenters gave some spiel about the Olympics and it's sponsors (it appeared to simply be a big Coca-Cola advert). I do not really understand the purpose of our being there, but I did get to meet my new Belgian friend, Michael. He has been in China for about the same amount of time as me and is working as in Intern in one of the government offices in the city. He speaks no Chinese so I said we should meet up so I can scratch up on my French and teach the few simple things I know in Chinese.

On the subject of Chinese, I can feel myself improving. This total immersion thing really works. I am now thinking that if I am not satisfied with the amount I have learnt before I go to Pakistan for the cycling, I will come back afterwards and study a bit longer. It really isn't so difficult once you get past the initial shock of the pronunciation and the lack of syntax.

Things that the Lonely Planet ought to warn you of

There are a couple of pieces of advice that I believe one should take on any trip to China. Most of these are mentioned in the travel guides, however some key points are oft-overlooked. Firstly, 95% of Chinese toilets (those in restaurants, public buildings etc.) do not provide toilet paper, therefore it is absolute importance that you carry around your own supply, as every Chinese person does. Secondly 98% of toilets in China will be filthy squat-pots, so trousers that occasionally trail on the floor are a no no. Thirdly, if you are of any height (5'9" or above) or are not particularly flexible, you will find that it is very difficult to fit your entire body into a cubicle while maintaining the necessary sphinctal floor alignment (apologies to those reading while they are eating, but you shouldn't be eating at the computer anyway, the keys will get all sticky and then Dad will have to clean it).

These points are particularly topical for me, as I am in the midst of a rather painful stomach bug. This is undoubtedly a result of the numerous dishes of luke-warm meat that have been served to me in restaurants. It is in fact very difficult to refuse these havens of microscopic life as their arrival at the table is always accompanied by cries of 'Chi, Chi' ('eat!, eat!') directed at myself, the person who has spent the least time in China. So, in an effort to avoid the quizzical, almost hurt, looks I receive whenever I refuse such offers I have chosen to run the gauntlet of digestive disease. Perhaps in the future I will be more obstinate.

I must mention Sean. He is from Shanghai and now is in charge of all files at the training school where I am now working. He is a self-confessed sufferer of 'Anglomania' and as a result was very excited to meet me. He speaks with a rather ridiculous attempt at an English accent, and loves to quote to me lists of English things that he knows and claims to like. This was amusing at first, but his fawning to all the everything cliched and, as a white-socked sandal wearing American tourist would say, 'quaint', is now a little bit sickening. However he has said that he will introduce me to his Belgian friend so I may get a chance to practice my French, a language I sorely miss when surrounded by the tonal chaos of Mandarin.

Old people in China are trying to kill me

Their efforts occur principally on my skate to and from lessons. The journey takes about 40 minutes and I am grateful for it as it is going someway to counteract the vast quantity of food (which is consists principally of oil, grease and fat) I have been eating. Some days I make the journey four times; going to teach in the morning, returning for lunch and then going back to study Chinese in the afternoon. Anyway, it is a journey fraught with danger, the Chinese appear to apply the same policy to other road users that small children apply to monsters. Namedly that if you can't see it, it is not there. Therefore whenever a Chinese driver, cyclist or pedestrian (who believe, if anything, they have more right than the HGV to be in the fast lane of a highway) crosses the flow of traffic, their gaze will be fixed obstinately in the opposite direction to the source of vehicles. This problem is particularly prevolent in the elderly, who, fortunately, do not often drive but still make every effort to turn their bicycles and electric scooters into deadly weapons. To be honest, I do not think that they pose a threat greater than any other age group, I am just freaked out by the cold stare that I receive in return for any exasperated look as a result of a near death experience.

The elderly are revered in China. It has been a tradition, encouraged by Confucious and now by the Communist Party, for children to have absolute respect for and take care of their elderly relatives. I agree with the sentiment, however I believe that this has led to many old-timers in China acting like spoilt Western children. They are the ones who push the most in queues or interupt when you are asking a shop assistant a question (or in my case trying to demonstrate a usb cable in hand gestures). However, some are very friendly. Yesterday I had a fifteen minute conversation with three ancient women who live near our appartment. I say conversation, in the quarter of an hour period we managed to establish that I was nineteen, I lived with the tall foreigner who has a dog and that I knew the character's for China.

On a different subject, I have begun teaching my class of Koreans. I have the middle tier which consists of five boys aged 12 to 16. They are all pretty chilled out which is good, and one or two speak enough English to be able to hold a simple conversation. I am teaching them five days a week for 2 1/4 hours, so it will be a challenge to keep them interested. I will have to think of plenty of useful but not patronising games (we are already tiring of hangman). One other problem is that they now all have electronic dictionaries and it is hard to tear their gazes from them. Therefore I have instigated the rule that each lesson one student will be the 'Dictionary Master' and the others will have to ask him in English to check something. I should probably tell you their names as they are reasonably amusing (not of the caliber of Hovercraft, Happy and Red [names adopted by Chinese people I have met]). They are, in alphabetical order, Aben, Albert, Alvin, Baron and Brian. I think the funniest names are the particularly old-person sounding English ones. For example, Wojciech has a pupil who is about 6, clinically insane and i with little or no English called Bob. This made me burst out laughing.

International Relations

I finally have some real lessons to teach. It is perhaps not what I envisaged prior to coming to China but it should be a bit of a laugh. I will be teaching some Korean children, from the ages of 11-14, who have come to China following their parent's career. It was all very sudden; I came back from another trip to Nanyang (more on that later) and received a call from Mr Nyu while I was eating dinner. He said that he wanted me to come in to see him the next morning to discuss a schedule. On arrival at the school he promptly told me that I would be teaching Monday to Friday, 9 - 11. Then, this being China, I was informed that in ten minutes I would be taking a class of six Korean students from the ages of eight to eighteen to assess their level of English. Rather a big ask. This seems to reflect two attitudes that I have repeatedly encountered while teaching. Firstly that any warning is a gift, almost everything is announced on the day and last minute, which is extremely frustrating. Secondly, their is an assumption that as an Englishman, I will have innate teaching skills and knowledge of the many sylabbi available to teach foreign children English. Anyway, I took the class and with a little help from Selwyn (a black guy [so more of a lao wai than me] from Canada who is teaching some of the children and was told just as late as I was) I split them into beginner, intermediate and advanced levels.

I am interested to see how this will go, I will try to help the children as much as possible in the coming months and we will see how it pans out.

Anyway, I should probably briefly describe my second trip to Nanyang. This time it was just me and another teacher from Horizon. Thankfully she had a pretty good level of English so I was not so isolated as before. We visited three schools, including the one in Zhenpin where, yet again, the headteacher managed to sneak about two hours extra teaching on us. The three days were quite enjoyable, with yet more free food and drink. What I will take away from this trip is the fantastic voices I heard. Here are my top three in reverse order:
In third place is the female teacher who sounded like Simon of 'Alvin and the Chipmunks'. It took a lot of effort not to burst out in hysterics when she was repeating the word 'balloon' to her class.
In second place was a senior male teacher at one of the schools who had a perfectly normal voice when speaking Chinese but a ridiculously camp one when speaking English.
In a well deserved first place was the headmistress of the first school that I visited, who not only looked scary but sounded like a cross between the girl from 'The Exorcist' and Shao Fu (Voytek's pug). Her shouting at her staff was one of the most disturbing things I have ever witnessed.

From the middle to the edge of nowhere.

I have been out of Zhengzhou for the past three days, travelling to two other cities in the Province with Horizon Education (my new employers). The trip was with a group of teachers and assistants from the school, of whom the best English speaker was Mr Nyu (he is pretty poor). So I had plenty of time to practice my even more appalling Chinese. The first destination was Zhengpin, a suburb of Nanyang, which is about 340 km from Zhengzhou. We arrived at about ten at night after a long journey in the school's Ford Transit come Minibus. I was told triumphantly, by the head of the school there that we would be eating in a famous noodle restaurant that night. However it was closed. Never fear we will go to a famous dumpling restaurant instead, also closed. Nobody made any efforts to claim that the street restaurant at which we ate was in any way prestigious. However, sitting there, eating wholesome food and drinking rather awful Chinese spirits I had somewhat of an epiphany. This was what coming to China was all about. Sitting outside in the cold eating food from communal plates with people speaking a language that meant little or nothing to me. It was a wonderful night.

The next day we got up early to travel to the half-finished auditorium round the corner where Horizon were booked to be speaking to entice new students. I should point out here that this kind of school is extremely popular for primary and junior school students, who having to spend less time in school than older children, have plenty of time for extra lessons. It is not easy growing up in the People's Republic. Anyway, the talk lasted about two and a half hours but was worth it as I got to meet some children before and after. Obviously I am even more of a 'Panda' (a term coined rather cleverly, I think, by Wei Lai, a student who I had been helping prepare for an exam) out of the city and the staring intensity duly increases. I ate lunch, again with no English speakers, in a rather skanky restaurant in the town. Fortunately it was women's day which meant for once I did not have to bear the brunt of the toasts and therefore did not have to drink too much of the foul, flat, luke-warm, beer like drink we were given.

The afternoon was spent taking a few lessons with some students at the branch schools. I basically just played some games with them and taught them 'Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes'. I hope that in the future I will be teaching the younger children as the lessons only require simple games and they are far better behaved than the 11-12-13 year olds who mucked about a lot for the 45 minutes for which I was abandoned to their mercy. What was most surprising was their absolute refusal to go anywhere near the opposite sex, making tasks, such as standing in a circle, difficult.

After all the teaching it was time to leave Zhenpin and three of the group, including myself, took a short but terrifying minibus ride to meet up with the others. The route taken by the driver seemed to be based on three simple philosophies; 1) A speed limit is a suggestion not an order 2) Staying on the correct side of the road is both boring and slow 3) No matter the size or weight of the vehicle coming directly towards me in the same lane, I will not deviate my course. A little flustered we got off, to be picked up almost immediately by the school's van. What followed was an another incredibly dull journey back to Zhengzhou and then to Herbi, another city.

We spent the night in a rather shabby hotel that appeared to be populated more or less entirely by the employees and clients of the vice trade. We awoke early the next morning, breakfasted with the ladies of the night and a number of dodgy looking policemen, and left to another branch school. This school was new and we were there for it's opening ceremony. In fact we were the only people there as it was eight o'clock on a Sunday morning. Not wanting to leave anyone out of the celebrations, the teachers set off about 500 firecrackers and some other incendiary devices containing ticker tape. Next port of call was a hotel where I had to sit through the speech that I heard the day before all over again. Prior to this however, I was ordered to play games with the children. This was in fact the only instruction I received and so I the attempted to entertain about 100 Chinese children unaided (more 'Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes) for half an hour. After another large meal, we were sent to the school where we had to wait for about five hours for Mr Nyu to sort out some business.

We eventually returned to Zhengzhou at about nine thirty, and the relief I felt makes me think that already this place is beginning to feel like some sort of home. Three weeks ago, I would not have thought it possible.

When one door closes, another one opens with free food and better wages.

So many things have changed since my last post. The most obvious and, in terms of the series of events, chronologically correct is that I am not going to be working at Number 1 Middle School. I was told to meet with the Dean and Ms. Shi in the school office one morning and was told that was no way that they could get me a foreign expert's certificate and therefore no way that I could legally work at the school. 'Bugger' was my initial thought and I was taken rather reluctantly with Voytk to a school he said would offer me a job. The school is a private school (like all of the language schools in Cambridge and London and offers extra English lessons for Chinese children from the ages of 6 to 16). I met the director/headteacher, Mr Nyu (which means cow), and we discussed the job. I would be teaching in evenings and on weekends, about 15 hours a week and would be paid about twice as much as I would be if I had been working at No. 1. The other advantage is that the school is covered by far less rigorous employment regulations as it is not state run and is effectively a business.

The next dilemma was where to live, as I was told that there was no way I could stay at No.1. Voytk, Polish legend that he is, offered me the spare room in his flat. And so I have moved in with him. In return for the bed he wants me to help him with his research into getting Chinese students into US and British uni's, look for suitable websites to advertise his project for getting international students to spend a year at school in Zhengzhou and also to look after his dog (Shao fu) who feels spends too much time cooped up in his apartment.

I can now give you a more detailed description of my new flatmate. He has been in China for six years and therefore speaks excellent Mandarin (Putonghwa). His greatest attribute is his ridiculously large group of friends and acquaintances. This includes not only the headteachers of a number of schools, but senior policemen, wealthy businessmen and the lady in charge of distributing train tickets for the entirety of the province (which is the largest in terms of population in China). He has also offered me free Chinese lessons at a new school that he is involved in. He is 27, about 6'3", and will most likely be heard saying 'don't worry about it' or 'he's craaazy'.

To be quite honest I am chuffed to bits with the current situation, I think things are really looking good and I can't wait for the next few months. That's all for now, we are about to go out and get dinner paid for us (again)!

Would like to teach

The waiting continues, I can do little else until I have got a certificate which I need to get another certificate which I need to get an invitation letter which I need to get the right kind of visa. Fortunately I do not really need to be present for these things so I now have the time to help out some of the students, even if I don't get paid.

I have therefore been working with one boy who is in grade 2 (which I think is the same as lower sixth but there seems to be a larger age range) who wants to study in the US. The other day he had a chance to go to another school to do some interviews with some representatives from American and Australian universities each with plenipotentiary powers. So I asked some typical interview questions and tried to advise him on what kind of language to use that would allow him to come across as confident but not arrogant. I have yet to hear how it went.

I have also been helping another son of a friend of Ms Shi who is taking a special exam for the Beijing Foreign Language University. I have been paid for this on occasion (and taken to lunch), which is cool. On the money front, by the way, I am only half way through my 200 pounds worth of Yuan so the lack of wages is not a bother for the moment. Anyway he and his father took me on a bit of a tour today and we went to the crazy, modern new Eastern District, which my father and I puzzled over on Google Earth before my departure. We then had Chinese hot pot, which is like a Fondue just with water, in a restaurant who's toilets have surpassed those of the hospital in their abject filth.

I have also had another chance to have a little lesson, this time with a Grade 2 class. This was a return favour for Ricky (I wish I could remember Chinese names instead of their acquired English ones) who took me into the city to by some shoes (which can be seen on Facebook in all their glory [I love brackets]) and to show me where the best bike shops are. This was in fact a huge favour as I am now certain I will be able to get a suitable ride for my tour in Pakistan. The lesson was more of a question and answer session, which went a lot better than my garbled attempt with Mr Yang's class. I now have loads of lesson ideas which I have recorded in great detail in all of my spare time.

The unexpected fruit of my boredom is the joyous discovery of 'Chinglish'. This is the use of bizarre English phrases on shop signs and adverts. Here are the best so far:
. [On my bed spread] - 'All I love is just beautiful...Your charm also bewitches me'
. [On my loo roll] - 'This beauty in full bloom scents the air and deserves lots of praise for its sweet and white
. [On a billboard advertising new apartments] - 'Champions of the elite living memory'
. [As above] - 'The centre enjoys, surmount and enjoy'
. [As above] - 'The garden in the sky is a them of all noble life'

I know - they're beautiful.