'More jellyfish with your chicken brains sir?'

This is not in fact a question I have been asked (not that I would be so bold as to suggest that I would know when a Chinese waiter had asked it) but I have consumed both jellyfish and chicken brains. Neither were a culinary revelation, the brains being tasteless and jellyfish being surprisingly crunchy but unsurprisingly salty, but are an interesting start to the subject of food in China.

I'd like to start with my average day's consumption of food. Firstly my meal proportions are unhealthily skewed, with breakfast being by far my smallest meal and dinner by far the largest. More often than not, I skip breakfast (valuing the extra time in bed over a bowl of rice porridge from one of the restaurants over the road) and if I do have it, I will simply pick up some yoghurt and eat on the skate to work. For lunch I usually return to the area in which I am living and pick up a rice or noodles dish, for example niu rou mian (noodles in a beef stock, with a few slices of meat). Dinner is where the most 'eatage' is to be had. On an average night we will go to our local eatery and order a few dishes. My favourite served locally is the fried aubergine, which is swimming in oil but absolutely delicious. We get our greens in the form of spinaches and simple salads. For me the low point of these meals is always the meat. As it is very expensive in China, almost everything you are served is 90% bone, skin, fat and gristle with the remainder being chewy, lean meat. The price of meat is probably one of the reasons that the Chinese consider so many parts of the animal that we in England would not normally consider eating delicacies. With chicken it's all about the head and the feet, the latter of which you can buy vacuumed packed to eat as a snack in most places that sell food. Fortunately I have not been offered such 'delicacies' on many occasions, but when I have it has not been a pleasant experience.

I will now try to give you a brief overview of the Chinese dining experience. Let's start with the obvious: the weapons of choice are the chopsticks. My limited skill has brought much praise from fellow diners who are amazed that I refuse a knife and fork. Often you are also given a small bowl with a small porcelain spoon for drinking any stock or soup that remains in dishes. Generally, unless you order an all in one dish, by this I mean meat, veg and carbs mixed up (like chao mian), then everyone shares communal dishes. This is a major contributor to China's massive Hep-C infection rate but also encourages socialising. In smarter restaurants, diners will sit round a round table with a spinning glass disk in the middle on which the dishes are placed. This is intended to allow easy access to the food but often leads to people having bowls of soup being spun away from them still containing their spoons.

The thing that I have found most difficult is the order in which the food is served. Basically it comes in the order in which it is prepared. This means salads come first, OK so far, but cooked, sweet dishes come intermingled with the cow's tail and the pig's trotters. This is all far to random for my western palate so I normally avoid the deserts and try and pick something up around our house afterwards. The other odd thing is that after gorging themselves on the ridiculous amounts of food available, the Chinese will often order a rice or noodle filler just to make certain. All of this pales in comparison to the dreaded bai jiu.

Bai jiu is the traditional Chinese rice wine. It can be anything from 40-60% and tastes absolutely foul. I am convinced, through observation of post-quaffage facial expressions, that the Chinese can't stand it also but they say otherwise. Drinking alone is a bit of a faux-pas and you are expected to wait for the call of lai-lai! (come come) or, the somewhat worse, gang bei! (bottoms up). Therefore the pace of drink can be determined by a few people at the table. I try to avoid drinking the foul beverage as much as possible, but at a social dinner it is nigh on impossible.

Anywho, in the spirit of Channel 4, I would like to list my top 5 things I have eaten in China:
5. Seeds - This is the snack of choice for the Chinese I have encountered. The reason I like them so much is that the complicated act of opening the seeds means that I cannot wolf it down on a long journey as I would do with anything else.
4. Xinjang Dumplings - These are baked on the wall of a stone oven and the combination of pastry, mutton and black pepper reminds of Cornish Pasties.
3. Yoghurt Ice Creams - My favourite treat. I believe they are made by a dairy company in Inner Mongolia and at 1 RMB (7p) they are difficult to resist.
2. Thick Noodle Soup (hui mian) - Very filling and wholesome and not too heavy on the flavour, something that is very rare over here.
1. Fried Aubergine (chiezi cai) - As I have already mentioned, an extremely tasty dish which I will attempt to emulate back in Blighty.